Self-Acceptance Plays an Important Role in Creativity

Accepting my life as it is, not as I wished it to be, has been an important part of the process as I learn to revel in this creative skin I’m in. However, like everything else that is worthwhile, acceptance is a challenge.

Like so many people, I’ve fallen victim to the supposed tos. I’m supposed to achieve this much and I’m supposed to have that much and I’m supposed to look a certain way.

As a writer I’m supposed to do x, y, and z or else how dare I call myself a writer. It has taken years for me to accept that maybe some of those supposed tos don’t fit me and never did. That means accepting myself for who I actually am and not who I’m supposed to be.

Letting Go of the Supposed Tos

I’ve been working hard at letting go of the supposed tos. I’m not there yet, and I’ll probably never be there 100% of the time. We’re only human after all. But I am getting better at recognizing what feels authentic to me and what has been placed inside my psyche simply by living in my particular culture.

One way I’ve started letting go of expectations is through the way I view my hair. I know it sounds crazy, and maybe it even is a little crazy, but my hair signified the first major step I took toward living an authentic life.

Accepting My Hair Means Self-Acceptance

I dyed my hair for the last time in May 2020. I used to love going to the hairdressers for a cut and color, and my hair has been every shade of brown, blond, and red. When I was in a more adventurous mood I’d have the hairdresser add slips of purple, and while I was a Ph.D. student my hair was magenta from roots to ends.

At some point along the way, going to the hairdressers became a chore. Instead of looking forward to it as time for myself, I began to dread it as the date for my appointment drew nearer. I was having my hair dyed every four weeks to hide my gray roots, which actually appeared after two weeks but I wasn’t going to the hairdressers twice a month at $150 a pop.

Yes, my decision to let my hair go natural (read: gray) was lockdown-inspired since for a while hairdressers were closed and when they opened I didn’t feel particularly safe going back quite yet.

I tried dyeing my hair at home and hated everything about the process. I hated the stink, the mess, the stained clothing and towels. I hated that no matter how hard I tried I always missed a strip somewhere obvious near the front of my head. Since I was working at home, I let my gray roots grow longer than I normally would.

One day I discovered groups on Facebook and Instagram of women of all ages who had had enough of traditional beauty standards so they let their natural gray hair show. A number of these women documented their transition from dyed hair to gray hair by taking photographs every month and sharing their progress.

I didn’t realize that natural gray hair was a movement, and that discovery triggered an “Aha!” moment. I saw it as a quiet act of defiance. When dyeing my hair was fun, it was fine. But it was no longer fun so why was I still doing it? I was deeply inspired by these women. It takes courage to go against the norm, and the norm in my culture says that women should try to look as young as possible for as long as possible.

Who decided that men can go gray and women can’t? Who says that gray is distinguished on men but women look like their husband’s mothers if they let their gray show? As the Silver Sisters say, gray is just a color, and though we associate gray with age, there are a lot of younger women with naturally gray hair and they look fabulous.

I was trapped on the hamster wheel of dyeing every four weeks because I believed that to show my real hair would be “letting myself go.” No, I decided. Just no. I’m 52 years old, gray is just a color, and my hair is largely gray. I’m going to get off that hamster wheel and let my hair do its thing.

As you can tell from the selfie above, my hair is all gray in the front and on the sides. One of these days I’ll have more length cut off and then hopefully most of the faded red dye will be gone.

I decided to go cold turkey and just let my hair grow out at its own pace because that was easier for me. I worked at home for a year and a half so I was tucked safely away in my house through the worst of the regrowth. Trust me, growing your hair out naturally, especially if it’s on the longer side, can get pretty funky at times. I’m a year and a half past my last dye and I still have a way to go.

Find Yourself In Your Own Way

I’m not saying that everyone should let their hair go natural. For me, letting go of my fear of exposed roots was an important lesson in self-acceptance. We all have our own lessons we have to learn. Each in our own time.

On the surface, gray hair and creativity may not seem to be connected. You can dye your hair and still be creative! But for me, letting go of my perceptions of what my hair was supposed to look like falls in line with who I’m trying to become as an artist.

As a writer, I don’t want to be held back by supposed tos. Writing is my art. It’s how I express myself in this crazy world of ours. And if I can let go of the supposed tos for my hair, and I know how liberating it can be, it becomes easier to let go of the supposed tos for my art. It’s easier for me to write what is in my heart because I’m not held back by other people’s perceptions of what I’m supposed to be doing.

As I’m working toward living the writing life, learning to let go of the supposed tos, as a human being and a creative person, is a very good thing.